Reflecting on 2023

This weekend in bed I started to get ahead of myself and began writing down my goals for 2024. But then a lightbulb went off. I realized that I couldn't determine where I wanted to go next year without taking inventory of how far I have come this year. So, this is that inventory.

2023, as every year - for every one - was full of ups and downs. My word of the year was "consistency", and I can say with incredible confidence that I really did make consistent efforts in several parts of my life: my marriage and relationship with my husband, gentle parenting with my son, consistency in my selfcare mindset and skincare goals. I am proud of the intentional focus, and almost main personality trait, that was my journey of wellness and self love.

I turned 30 this year and that was a huge milestone for me. It was a tangible turning point that I centered a lot of my focus from. Turning 30 was my jumping off point to reprioritize my focus to my family, my self, my health, my finances etc. doing all the "adulting" things as we say. It feels like I am entering a new phase in my life now, leaving a younger/less responsible Kaili behind and now becoming one that is really focused on family and future planning. It's a weird realization to say goodbye to a part of you or end of an era, while also really looking forward to what's coming. That's where I am right now, transitioning, it's quite a ride.

Jackson turned 2 and developed so much this year; physically and mentally. His vocabulary is expanding rapidly, to include Spanish for a lot of the basic things kids learn (colors, numbers days of the week etc), he's putting together sentences, remembering people and events, it's just so wild to see his little brain work. He's also just so HUGE!! He towers over most of the kids in his class. I'm so proud of him. He's so kind and loving, he's great at sharing and listening. We are so blessed to have him as our baby and I truly don't know how I thought I was living before having him. He is my entire world.

I stepped out of my comfort zone and started my website, this blog, and also consistently showed up for my skincare business. It so weird to expose oneself and do something visible that other people can see. I definitely had my fair share of imposter syndrome or worries about what people would say about me. There's been some jokes sent my way of course but I have received immense encouragement in all my side ventures. I love writing these blogs, I love sharing skincare and helping people build routines to give them confidence. Truly nothing gives me more joy than these (outside of my family ofc). Thank you to everyone reading this, liking my posts, purchasing my skincare, or even just sending words of encouragement. I am a huge believer in what I am doing and making connections with you all has been one of the greatest gifts this year.

But I've had a lot of lows this year too. I am comfortable enough to admit that while I have been so focused on wellness and health, I've also had some of my worst mental and emotional breakdowns this year. I went through several periods of lonlieness, depression, and grief. I felt incredibly miserable in the life that I just gave thanks for.

There were times that I could not find joy, could not find comfort or peace or sense of self worth. I would pretend to be happy while Jackson was around and then as soon as he went to bed I crawled into my hole and slipped into darkness. I was hard to be around, hard on Justin, hard on myself. I was upset for seemingly no reason and could not find anything to pull me out.

Thankfully, these episodes are short lived. A few days here and there, maybe a week. But they are hard when you don't know when it will end or what caused it in the first place.

I am lucky enough now to be sitting in the light and able to recognize some of my triggers for these moments of despair. I am also lucky to have an incredibly supportive husband to talk through my triggers and help me tackle what I can do to put myself in the best position possible to mitigate future moods. Its a work in progress, i think in the future I'll do a separate post on this and what I do to combat my depression.

I also can't write this post without acknowledging the huge hole that losing my maternal grandmother left me. I still grapple with grief in waves (it's only been a month and a half) and navigating what I can do to cope. I don't really have answers here and it's something I'll continue to work on in 2024 and beyond.

I don't want to end on a sad note so here's this. I feel like I grew a lot personally in 2023. I stepped out of my comfort zone in areas, continued to learn how to be a mom and a wife and a 30 year old. I recognized that I'm in a season of transition and I feel like a lot of my building blocks to my next level were laid this past year.

I'm so hopeful for 2024 and the actions I am setting myself up to take. I can only look to this new year with positivity and wonder. I am so ready for the good, and the bad, and the lessons we're about to learn. I'm so thankful for another chance.

Cheers 2023!